TIPS FOR SURVIVING TEENS

I couldn't just leave you hanging after my last post! Here are some tips for surviving teenagers:

Check your pillows. Make sure they are strong enough to survive a good bashing and dense enough to muffle your screams.

Stock up on junk food. Yes, I know, you want them to eat healthily, but forget it, you're wasting your time. Buy pizzas, those disgusting noodle packages, and as many frozen dinners as you can afford.

Check your microwave. It is the only kitchen tool that teenagers will use.

Take out a second mortgage. You're going to need it.

Toughen up your tongue. Chew it for at least an hour a day until it has the texture of rhinoceros skin. This will come in handy when they bring a new boyfriend/girlfriend home. If you keep quiet about the green-haired, tattooed, multi-piereced monstrosity they think is God incarnate, they'll soon get bored and wander off to someone a bit more human. Dare to voice your objections and you'll be stuck with the monstrosity for a long, long time.

Join a prenatal class. The deep breathing exercises are helpful in times of immense stress...pretty much 24/7. Alternatively, buy a crate of good wine.

Remember, at all times, that they really can't help being so loud/selfish/argumentative/unreasonable/thoughtless - it's just a phase they're going through and their hormones are raging. It'll only last oh, 4 years or so.

Keep photographs of their young, innocent faces handy to remind you of what they used to be like. Try not to cry over them too much.

Don't bother arguing with them. You'll never win. Teenagers are totally without logic.

Warn the neighbors about the increased noise levels - both from the screaming matches and from the volume of their music. (Well, they call is music. I call it 'Sounds from the Edge of Hell.')

Whatever you do, don't laugh at their choice of clothing, hair, etc. Remember what you wore in the 80's...say no more.

Don't expect any help whatsoever. They don't do vacuuming, dishes, or ironing, and they don't have a clue what the washing machine is for.

NEVER expect gratitude. You've kitted out their bedrooms with every state-of-the-art technology conceivable to man, spent hundreds of dollars on gas driving them places and scrimped for months to buy that expensive pair of board shoes, but they'll still believe your asking too much when you dare suggest they put out the trash.

Once they've reached oh-my-God-haven't-they-grown proportions, buy a step stool for those moments when you need to give them a swift cuff around the back of the head. Buy old copies of Land of the Giants to pick up tips on how to cope.

3 o'clock in the morning is a perfectly acceptable time for teenagers to go to bed during the week. Don't even question this.

Your eloquent child will turn monosyllabic overnight. Expect only grunts and dirty looks for at least the next two years.

Teenagers don't sleep, they hibernate - draped over the kitchen table or spread out like a starfish in the middle of the livingroom. You have more chance of finding the Loch Ness Monster in your pool than arousing a teenager from bed in the morning...or afternoon.

Remind yourself that teenagers are retribution for what we did to our parents, so just accept the inevitable and keep dreaming of peaceful times (when they've left home and you sit sobbing that you miss them!!)