TIPS FOR SURVIVING TEENS

I couldn't just leave you hanging after my last post! Here are some tips for surviving teenagers:

Check your pillows. Make sure they are strong enough to survive a good bashing and dense enough to muffle your screams.

Stock up on junk food. Yes, I know, you want them to eat healthily, but forget it, you're wasting your time. Buy pizzas, those disgusting noodle packages, and as many frozen dinners as you can afford.

Check your microwave. It is the only kitchen tool that teenagers will use.

Take out a second mortgage. You're going to need it.

Toughen up your tongue. Chew it for at least an hour a day until it has the texture of rhinoceros skin. This will come in handy when they bring a new boyfriend/girlfriend home. If you keep quiet about the green-haired, tattooed, multi-piereced monstrosity they think is God incarnate, they'll soon get bored and wander off to someone a bit more human. Dare to voice your objections and you'll be stuck with the monstrosity for a long, long time.

Join a prenatal class. The deep breathing exercises are helpful in times of immense stress...pretty much 24/7. Alternatively, buy a crate of good wine.

Remember, at all times, that they really can't help being so loud/selfish/argumentative/unreasonable/thoughtless - it's just a phase they're going through and their hormones are raging. It'll only last oh, 4 years or so.

Keep photographs of their young, innocent faces handy to remind you of what they used to be like. Try not to cry over them too much.

Don't bother arguing with them. You'll never win. Teenagers are totally without logic.

Warn the neighbors about the increased noise levels - both from the screaming matches and from the volume of their music. (Well, they call is music. I call it 'Sounds from the Edge of Hell.')

Whatever you do, don't laugh at their choice of clothing, hair, etc. Remember what you wore in the 80's...say no more.

Don't expect any help whatsoever. They don't do vacuuming, dishes, or ironing, and they don't have a clue what the washing machine is for.

NEVER expect gratitude. You've kitted out their bedrooms with every state-of-the-art technology conceivable to man, spent hundreds of dollars on gas driving them places and scrimped for months to buy that expensive pair of board shoes, but they'll still believe your asking too much when you dare suggest they put out the trash.

Once they've reached oh-my-God-haven't-they-grown proportions, buy a step stool for those moments when you need to give them a swift cuff around the back of the head. Buy old copies of Land of the Giants to pick up tips on how to cope.

3 o'clock in the morning is a perfectly acceptable time for teenagers to go to bed during the week. Don't even question this.

Your eloquent child will turn monosyllabic overnight. Expect only grunts and dirty looks for at least the next two years.

Teenagers don't sleep, they hibernate - draped over the kitchen table or spread out like a starfish in the middle of the livingroom. You have more chance of finding the Loch Ness Monster in your pool than arousing a teenager from bed in the morning...or afternoon.

Remind yourself that teenagers are retribution for what we did to our parents, so just accept the inevitable and keep dreaming of peaceful times (when they've left home and you sit sobbing that you miss them!!)

BRACE YOURSELF!

Ah, the wonderful world of teenagers! I remember myself as a teen, so easy-going and amenable. My parents on the other hand were just a teeny bit uptight. Not to mention that they TOTALLY didn't get me (insert eye roll).

Fast forward 25 years and here I am...it's Freaky Friday...and I'm suddenly the parent of two teenagers. Two teenagers who are nothing like my sweet self at the same age. I see those of you with teens nodding wildly but for those of you without teens, please let me shed a little light. Nothing will prepare you for teenagers. Nothing. Brace yourself! You think childbirth was hard? Given the choice, I would be wheeled back into the delivery room sans medication if it meant expediting them to adulthood.

Not all teenagers are created equally however. One of mine is quite mellow but the other is simply apoplectic. Perhaps the younger one has just not found his stride. The older one however...oi! I'm not sure what the magic number was, but one day my child that was straight out of a fabric softener commercial suddenly had the starring role in The Exorcist.

Now everything I have read assures me that there is a perfectly scientific explanation for all of this. It's hormones and their rapidly changing brain the experts effuse. Eureka!! Thank goodness there is a logical explanation. I felt so frustrated before I knew. Yeah, okay. Truth is, I don't give a rat's hiney what the logic is, I'm ready to starting mashing elephant tranquilizers into his food.

I've always prided myself on not being "that mom." You know the one that needs to kick and scream to get their children to listen. No siree. That wasn't me, because I had it all figured out. Ha! Now I resemble Momzilla ranting and raving and pulling my hair out. It was so much easier when you could take the computer away for an evening as punishment. Now I stare as this 6'5" man in front of me and think, what now?

Don't get me wrong. My teenagers are awesome. They don't get into any trouble beyond the ordinary teenage hijinx but those hijinx are enough to keep Loreal's hair color division in business for a very long time.

Everyone tells me to hang in there. Don't give up. Things will get better. I hang on to those words like a Cuban to a floating door. I look forward to the day when he can look at me without complete irritation and disdain. I know it's coming. I remember when I actually enjoyed spending time with my parents again.

I guess the thing I've learned the most from all of this, is that I love my parents for everything they have done for me. I mean REALLY love them. If they could love me and support me while my heading was spinning and I was puking pea soup all over them, they must be pretty darn special.